This Christmas

Despite the fact that we have yet to even celebrate Thanksgiving, last week the radio station we listen to here at work began playing Christmas music and I gotta say I’m already fed up and feeling like I need to throw the damn radio through a window. All I’m saying is it’s only been two working days and already I’ve heard more carols than I care to count. The radio station is running a contest where you can win $10,000 if you hear Bing Crosby’s White Christmas two times in a row. I’d pay $10,000 just to never have to hear that damn song ever again. When I’ll be home for Christmas came on for the umpteenth time I thought to myself, “Yeah I bet your ass will be home and probably a week early too, you got enough time to walk at this point.” And don’t get me started on Mariah and All I want for Christmas, all I want for Christmas is for you to shut the hell up and never sing another Christmas song again. I will say that at least there is a variety of the type of Christmas carols we’ve been bombarded with from Elvis to Nat King Cole and Anita Baker to Whitney Houston and before you label me all bah humbug and Scroogey I will say some of them actually make me nostalgic. When I heard the song from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special you know the one, when all the kids are dancing around Schroeder on stage as he plays the piano it reminded me of how as children me and my sister Denise would attempt to imitate their dance moves and then fall on the ground laughing hysterically. And I gotta say I enjoyed hearing The Jackson Five with Michael singing, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus… “And I’m Gonna Tell My Daddy”

In spite of the repetition I’ve learned a few things that never occurred to me before, like Rudolph was apparently one of the first kids to be bullied I mean all of the other reindeers used to laugh and call him names and then they never let him play in any reindeer games, come on. What a bunch of assholes. So he had a big red nose you would too if you spent all your time at the freezing fricking North Pole. I just hope when he made the big time and Santa called him up he gave them all the Bill Gates I used to be a nerd but now I’m rich treatment and told them all to kiss his artic ass. And can someone please explain to me exactly what Eartha Kitt was planning on doing with Santa Baby once she got the deed, the ring and the checks? Well she did say she wanted him to trim her Christmas tree. And how about that Mr. Grinch, a mean one indeed, “You really are a heel, you're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch", wow. Or how’s this, “You're a foul one, Mister Grinch, you're a nasty wasty skunk, your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk", Dr. Seuss had serious issues but come on I mean dude stole all of the Christmas gifts, Roast Beast, Who-hash and decorations in Whoville. The man has no shame but what do you expect “his heart was two sizes too small”.

Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy the Christmas season as much as the next guy but I would rather celebrate in a much more timely manner…and at least enjoy my damn Thanksgiving turkey first. I don’t mind it beginning to look a lot like Christmas, it’s just that it’s looked that way since before Halloween. You know what I’m talking about, timely. Like putting up the Christmas lights and shopping for a tree a couple of weeks before the date. Stocking up on brandy and egg nog for guests…yeah for guests, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Or what has become tradition at my house, looking forward to Christmas day gumbo and opening gifts with the grandkids. And the movies, I’m still a sucker for It’s A Wonderful Life and I always catch at least one viewing of A Christmas Story watching Ralphie scheming and pleading for his Christmas gift of the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle…if you’ve seen the movie you know what I’m talking about, if not you should check it out.

The Christmas season wasn’t meant to last two months folks. They’ve even moved Black Friday up this year to Thanksgiving night...sheesh. What has always made Christmas special is the anticipation and expectation as it builds to a quick climax and rightly before you know it, it’s over and you can’t wait for it to come again. This slow build beginning in October takes away from the suspense of a shorter season and only serves to dilute the reason for the season. A person camping out overnight in a tent just to get a deal on stuff they don’t need is not what Christmas is all about. So how do we move the start of the celebration back to where it used to be and how do we regain the meaning of Christmas to what it was in years past? Should we start an online petition? Maybe we can get those secession folks on board.