Dancing Machine

I recently returned from a trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with a group of friends. I had a great time and really enjoyed the mix of tourists both international and American. Everyone was outgoing and carefree and completely wrapped up in enjoying themselves and the surroundings. Our group became friendly with a few others at the resort which was great because at the end of the day everyone gathered together to listen to the evenings selected house band. This also allowed for a few observations. Number one, White people love 80s rock. There were two house bands which played alternate nights but each one featured 80s rock. This was fine in the beginning as a few of us joined in a round of Name That Tune but after a while it all got to be a bit one note for us. After the third night we were all like, ok if you’re gonna do the 80s can we at least get some Rick James, Prince or something?  The White people however, loved it. What is it about White people that makes them just randomly jump up mid conversation and start dancing? This leads me to my second observation. Why can’t White people dance? There is absolutely nothing funnier than watching some drunk off her ass White woman rocking out to a Journey or Aerosmith song. When the music came on these women would lose it. From the way they danced it wasn’t clear if they were excited about the song selection or if they were swatting at some imaginary swarm of bees.

So, in an effort to shed some light on the Why White people Can’t Dance query, I’ve compiled a quick list of possible reasons why.

• They've never spent time dancing in front of a mirror. Come on now you know you did it in your youth. How else could you be sure you were matching the moves you saw on Soul Train. (Note to Millennials: Soul Train was a dance show for Black people popular in the previous century…damn I’m old.)
• Too much unseasoned chicken, God made Lawry's Seasoning Salt for a reason people. And don't get me started on that trashy potato salad. Seriously, raisins?
• White people spend way too much time worrying about what Black people are doing. Case in point, BBQ Becky, Permit Patty & Pool Patrol Paula . Less time spent worrying about what the hell we’re doing and more spent on honing those rhythmic skills could greatly improve their Electric Slide and or Wobble participation.
• Because they ain't never got a whoopin'. A lot of people assume our rhythmic roots are sourced from the drums of Africa but anyone who has spent time creating moves to dodge Big Mama's ass whoopin' will probably disagree. I'm not promoting child abuse but there's something about the workings of avoiding an ass whooping that sparks the soul to life.  A good ass whoopin' dodger must possess the skills, grace and agility of ballet, jazz and hip-hop. It should be an Olympic event. #AssWhoopinDodge.
• They suffer from Walk & Chew Gumitis. They can hear the music, but they can't dance or clap to the beat at the same time. This syndrome is also known as Beat Deafness which I'm sure is a genuine scientific term I didn't just make up.
• They've never participated in or witnessed someone catching the Holy Ghost. Nothing says bust a move like the Holy Ghost Shout. In fact, the Holy Ghost Shout is world renowned as the hands down champ of Step Dancing per the American Association of  Step Exploratory Dance (ASSED). Also, sorry but flavorless mediocre White gospel music simply does not inspire dance.
• Lack of melanin. The lack of melanin does not allow them to sync and sway to the beat because they don't hear it the same as we do. According to prominent doctor of Rhythmology, Dr. Funkenstein of the Parliament Institute of P-Funk, melanin is a vital element in the hearing process. This melanin deficiency causes them to be D'Void of Funk...it's not just knee-deep folks.

Finally, when I speak of dancing I’m not talking about Waltzes or Ballroom Dancing. Those dances are learned and studied. I'm talking about the natural intuitive ability to feel a beat and a connection to the music. How many times have you witnessed an African-American toddler in a baby walker getting down to a groove? Even though they can't walk they possess an inbuilt sense of rhythm. You can’t fake the funk folks…you're either born with it or not.