A Few Thoughts

• So I enter the locker room the other day and this guy is sitting on a bench naked as the day he was born with his feet up clipping his toe nails. I gave him this what the hell are you doing look and he says, “No, it’s ok I just showered, my feet are clean”. WTF! He actually said that. I stood there stunned as the nails continued to fly by and I felt I just had to say something. I thought I was being diplomatic but what actually came out was “Dude, that’s disgusting.” So he gives me the stink eye and I’m thinking, well hell I’m not the one creating a torrential nail storm bro, disgusting is putting it mildly.  Apparently someone else had complained because the manager showed up and made him stop but now whenever I see him gives me that I know you snitched on me look…whatever, nasty ass.

• I say Trump got it wrong. It wasn’t former President Obama who wiretapped Trump Towers. I think it was one of those detectives Trump sent to Hawaii to search for Obama’s birth certificate. I mean think about it, where the hell did they disappear to? According to him they were finding “tons and tons of evidence”. Maybe the evidence was on him. Or perhaps Steve Harvey is smarter than we thought and we owe him an apology. Really, was he left alone at any time during his visit to the tower? Wait a minute, this just in. The White House blames British Intelligence for the wiretapping then almost immediately issues an apology to them for what they called a ridiculous story. Seriously, WTF is up with this administration?

• People who refuse to see Moonlight because they believe it’s pushing the so called gay agenda are simply missing out. But I want to be sure I understand this. Are you afraid that at the end of the movie you’ll find that you somehow got touched with the gay and start looking at me funny? Is it really that easy to turn your paranoid ass out? Anybody who comes out of this movie with that mindset has clearly missed the point of the movie…which is just sad.  Really, the idea that these filmmakers set out to covert straight people to gay is beyond stupid. Trust me I’ve read it in its entirety and conversion and recruitment are not included in the gay agenda. I’ve been to the meetings and it just doesn’t come up (Note to self: Renew membership). In fact it’s considered somewhat taboo…something about there being enough competition among gay people as it is.

• If you lean when you’re texting do your messages come out in italics?

• Is a hot dog a sandwich?

• What is it with kids calling adults by their first names? We are not equals I am your senior and can still put a foot up your ass. Address me as Pop, uncle, sir, Mr. or grandpa (ok maybe not grandpa). Now quit rolling your eyes and get off my lawn.

• How is The Weekend only one person? I mean it’s made up of two days or two and a half if you Include Friday Happy Hour. Maybe he should change his name to The Tuesday or if he insist on the weekend just pick one of the days. That’s it, from now on he’s The Saturday.

• This whole getting old thing stinks. The other day I walked into the bedroom and I just stood there. I knew I had gone in there to get something but I had forgotten what it was, so I just stood there. I felt like I had to get something so I grabbed my watch. Ha, old age you will not win! So I grabbed my keys and headed for the door…now where was I going?

• Years ago I was in my boss’s office seated having a discussion. Now it’s just me and her in there when it suddenly got really funky and I knew it wasn’t me. She continued talking as if nothing had happened, as if she had not just let go of that silent atomic bomb and I’m thinking to myself, “now you do know, that I know that was your funky ass right?” I mean it’s just me and her, what was she going to do pretend it was me? Or maybe she was hoping it would quickly subside, no such luck. After about a minute or so I started tearing up, my vision got blurry and could have sworn I lost consciousness for a few seconds, so when I found I could no longer stand it (I don’t know WTF she had eaten) I excused myself and left. Needless to say I shared the moment with all of my co-workers and we had a great time about it behind her back. More importantly I learned a valuable lesson and I no longer allowed myself to be alone in confined quarters with her stealth fart bombing ass.

• After I leave the gym each morning I stop at 7-Eleven for a cup of coffee for the ride to work. There’s usually a guy out front asking for change and I whenever I see him I give him a couple of bucks. It’s become pretty routine and I’ve begun to refer to him as my guy. Through conversation I learned he’s an artist and I’ve even bought some of his work. I’ve got a painting of Ray Charles from him which I have yet to frame. One particular day I stop to get my coffee and notice he’s not there but there’s another guy. I go in to get my coffee and on the way out he ask for change. I hesitated because you know, he wasn’t my guy. He got all insulted and said, forget it I’m not gonna beg you and I’m thinking well yeah you kinda just did, but what about my guy? You’re not my guy, I can’t give you money what if my guy sees me and thinks I’m cheating on him? I can’t cheat on my guy, he’d never forgive me, he’s my guy. So I headed for my car but he was still glaring at me, judging me and I’m sure cursing me. But what could I do, he wasn’t my guy.

• So the bathroom at work has one of those sensors which controls the lights. You walk in and the light turns on automatically. The bathroom is located down a dark hallway and the door has one of those suction thingy’s at the bottom so no other light gets in. So I went in the other day and closed the door but the light didn’t come on. I didn’t panic as this has happened before. I just wave my hand and the light comes on. So I start waving and nothing happens. I get more deliberate with it, nothing. So I start spinning around waving my arms like Morris Day doing the Bird until I made myself dizzy. Now I have no lights, its pitch black and I’m disoriented. So trapped in this cube of darkness, I dizzily begin gaging the wall trying to locate the sensor switch. At this point I realize my situation and start laughing hysterically to myself. I finally locate the sensor switch and get the lights on and take care of business. I walk back to my desk and they must have heard me laughing because all of my co-workers are staring at me like I’m crazy.  One of them said, “Must have been some funny shit.” Remind me to tell you about the time I was seated when the lights went out.