Monday, January 23, 2017

Identity

This blog post contains several spoilers to the film Moonlight. Read at your own risk.
  
 I saw a movie several months ago and it’s taken me this long to write about it because every time I sit down to write I get choked up…it’s just that relatable for me. The movie is Moonlight. It’s an independent African-American film which explores the themes and struggles of masculinity within the African-American community as told through the heart of a boy who is also striving to understand his sexual identity. It’s also about the healing power of human connection and the power of adult role models good or bad to shape the lives of youth. The story is told in three acts and set in 1980’s Miami.  Each act shows the main character at a different stage of his adolescent development struggling as he navigates his way through a world filled with bullies until the final act when he becomes a man.

We first meet Little who at the age of six or seven years old doesn’t understand the constant verbal and physical attacks from his peers and simply wants to fit in. He has one friend, Kevin who will remain constant throughout the film and who tries to help him fit in. He’s also dealing with a verbally abusive mother slowly becoming addicted to crack. It’s during this period where he meets a drug dealer named Juan, who will become his defining male role model and along with his girlfriend his surrogate parents. At one point Little ask Juan, What’s a faggot? Followed with, Am I a faggot? Juan takes his time answering and explains to this boy much too young to be burdened with such questions that he can be anything and anyone he wants to be and to not let others define who he is. A simple answer but it spoke volumes to Little, as his young mind was not yet equipped to handle yet alone to deal with questions of sexual identity…and it spoke to the six-year old me.

There’s a scene in the second act where the main character Little a teenager who now goes by the name Chiron is at school and stares out a second story window waiting for the bullies below to tire of waiting for him and leave. It’s a quietly unspoken haunting scene and It reminded of the bitterness and resentment I’ve had for years for things going back to my early childhood. I too had been the victim of incessant bullying by my male peers.  I wasn’t particularly athletic, spoke with a lisp, wore glasses and being the only boy was considered soft having spent probably more time with my four sisters than I should have. To be clear, as a child you don’t have to be stereotypically gay to be bullied. All it takes is for your peer’s perception of difference or nonconformity to inspire attacks. If my family knew about the bullying they didn’t get it from me. Like the character Chiron, I kept it inside and never shared my pain with anyone. It’s also during this period in the film that he and Kevin connect in a way which has a lasting and enduring impact on Chiron.  Unfortunately, Chiron, angry at having been picked on for so long finally explodes and fights back, albeit to his own detriment and that of his friendship with Kevin.

When I left high school for college I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself. Don’t get me wrong in spite of the bullying I endured, I was popular and had many friends in school. I simply was not happy with the picked on ball of mess I felt I was inside so I decided I would become who I wanted to be. Reinvention was my way of fighting back. In the final act the character now called Black has made just such a decision for himself. He’s now living in Atlanta and through an apparent regular and I gotta say, impressive workout regimen has transformed himself into a physically imposing tough guy and now exhibits a hardened darker personality. He has also followed in the steps of his role model Juan. There’s a reconnection with Kevin and it causes him to reflect on their time together and come to a realization he shares with him which ends the film.

I was angry and at some points struggling not to cry throughout the film as I found it intensely personal regarding its themes and considerations of Black masculinity and sexual identity. I should point out that I believe masculinity to be a fluid term ultimately determined individually. I genuinely believe we're shaped, day by day, by our experiences and our decisions. Little, Chiron, Black’s struggles to find himself and where it took him was ultimately determined by his surroundings and the characters within. In the end I was left with the feeling that we all have the capacity to rise above crushing odds. Sometimes finding your identity can be a tough road…but it’s worth the toll.







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