American Whiner

I’ve been a fan of talent competitions as far back as Star Search and even before that with the Spring Concert at Ravenswood High (shout out to Captain Crunch & the Soul Bunch). It didn’t matter if it was singing, dancing or acting, I loved it all. But it was the talent I enjoyed not the so called story behind the performer. We didn’t fall in love with Stevie Wonder because he was blind we fell in love with him because he aspired to showcase his many talents in spite of it. Lately I’ve noticed that these talent shows, The Voice, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance etc. all want to play on our emotions. It started several seasons ago on American Idol with the guy, his name I’ve thankfully blocked from memory, whose fiancé had died. At first I was like everyone else, “Oh how sad”. But then every time he would sing they would run a montage to show how lonely and pathetic his life had become since she had died and how he was struggling to continue. They would show it over and over every damn week until it got to the point of being intrusive and I felt like, sorry for your loss buddy but you know Sam Cooke was born by the river in a little tent (that’s right a damn tent) and he didn’t sit on the river bank crying…enough already! What about the talent? It’s not So You Think You Can Make Me Cry, quit whining and sing.

Last year on the X Factor they had this white guy who was a recovering drug addict and he definitely looked the part. Seriously, dude looked like the poster child for crack heads. I’m not saying I didn’t feel for the guy but where was the talent? Your tragic life is not going to make me like you more, especially if you can’t sing. When he sang (I guess that’s what you call that scatter walling) my ears would bleed a little and pop like I had just landed from being airborne for six hours. He would then have the nerve to stand there triumphantly waiting for applause like he was Pavarotti, Domingo or that other guy from The Three Tenors. Honestly, he couldn’t hold a note if you spotted him a bucket…and not to be picky but he was sorely in need of a dental plan. Even though we knew Fantasia was a struggling single mother and high school dropout, it wasn’t the primary focus. In fact the producer’s didn’t even want us to know about it. She didn’t offer up some B story plot line from One Life To Live to win, the girl could sing and that’s why she succeeded.

This year on The Voice we get the same loser character from last year’s X Factor, only this time he’s mixed race, peppy and cleaned up…but just as irritating and a little too happy for my taste. He and his stupid hats and those way too skinny jeans have got to go. Oh and by the way, I’m happy you’re clean and sober but I don’t want to know what you did to feed your drug habit when you were strung out…way too much information. Even when they can sing the producers feel the need to play up some sob story. Maybe Jesse Campbell, who really could sing, would still be there if he had just sung instead of playing on our sympathy with the heart tugging story about him and his daughter living in his car. Which if it’s true, someone needs to have a conversation with the pastor at my church where Jesse is a regularly featured soloist. Seriously, living in his car? What happened to charity in the church? (Remind me to go back to that subject another time.)

Any hoo, where was I? Oh yeah no talent cry baby, look at me I fell down, sniveling can’t sing so I’ll make you cry victims performers. These shows need to take a cue from Live at the Apollo where if you can’t sing or dance your ass is booed the hell outta there. Instead of judging on votes received they should have the Sandman tap dance in and shuffle their sobbing asses off and directly into the cast of the next Lifetime movie…and bring in some real singers damn it!