Shake Your Groove Thing

Seriously??!!... 5.8?? This is what it takes to send people on the East Coast panicking and running into the streets like Godzilla was attacking? I heard reports of terrified citizens storming out of buildings predicting some type of end of the world Armageddon. Please, here in California we routinely ride a 5.8 earthquake in our sleep. Our pets don’t even wake up. Seriously, you turn to your spouse sleeping next to you and ask, “Refried bean burrito for lunch?” If we evacuated buildings and shut down work for every damn 5.8 that hit we’d never get any work done…wait that’s not such a bad idea. Really, according to news reports tens of thousands of people were evacuated from buildings and schools and roads were closed, which really was a problem as the caravan of trucks carrying Donald Trump’s hairspray were delayed. And you should see the looks on their faces running from buildings looking like they just caught a glimpse of Rosie O’Donnell’s striptease act or something.

For years folks on the east coast have ridiculed us for our earthquakes telling us how they don’t compare to the devastation caused by other natural disasters. You know, all the tornadoes, hurricanes, ice storms, Tammy from the Basketball Wives. But now a little tremor knocks your favorite Rembrandt crooked in your pretentious million dollar 200 square foot high rise apartment and you get all crazy. Meanwhile as these idiots sit under their kitchen tables, we here in California wait for the San Andreas Fault to do the Cupid Shuffle slide us into the Pacific and create an island making us the United State of California, while everyone rushes to buy up property at the newly formed Las Vegas Marina. And now they’re complaining about the small aftershocks of 2.8, like they thought it was over after one jolt. Please, a 2.8 aftershock is like the belch you get from too much Pepsi. I’ve gotten so used to the tremors that when one hits and I’m at work my only concern is to rush home to make sure none of my Cognac has bounced off the shelf.

So as New Yorkers prepare their “I Survived the East Coast Quake of 2011” t-shirts, we here in Southern Cali are preparing for the wild fire season to be followed by mudslides and houses sliding into one another. Included in this will be the one to two inches of our rainy season where drivers lose their minds forget how to signal and slam into each other on the 405 as newscasters warn us of Storm Watch 2011, while wearing shorts and tank tops. So yes we’ll continue to laugh and mock the idiotic reactions of these East Coast wimps, like this nut from the Baltimore Ravens who was filming a promo when the quake hit http://spo¬rts.yahoo.¬com/nfl/bl-og/shutdow¬n_corner/p¬ost/I-get-¬the-feelin¬g-Torrey-S¬mith-isn-8¬217-t-used¬-?urn=nfl-¬wp5755 . Where the hell is he going? What is he thinking, “I’ll just leave the safety of a wide open football field and head for some building that may be falling.” ...dumb ass. Of course our attitudes may change if a freak hurricane ever hits LA but at least that would give our newscasters a real Storm Watch to report on and a reason to pull out all those winter coats we’ve been storing up…and just imagine the 405.