Side Effects

There’s a new drug crisis storming the country folks and it’s affecting White people in horrific numbers. One hundred times more lethal and believed to be more addictive than any opioid. Yes, people I’m talking about Ambien. Beware, it’s out there and it’s making White people racist. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Apparently, this drug affects your views and thoughts and turns unsuspecting formally rational people into raving alt-right lunatics. Just ask Roseanne Barr, famed comedienne, renowned conspiracy nut ball theorist and overt islamophobe who last week tweeted “if the muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=v.j.” V.J. refers to Valerie Jarett, former Senior Advisor to President Barack Obama. Valerie Jarett is an African-American woman. Ms. Barr later apologized and stated the effects of the drug Ambien were the cause of her crazy racist midnight tweet. Finally, clarification! Big Pharma strikes again, I feel so much better. This explains her involvement in the ridiculously bogus birther movement attack against President Obama and her previous racists tweets including the one where she said of President Obama’s National Security Advisor, “Susan Rice is a man with big swinging ape balls”. Again, for clarification, Susan Rice is an African-American woman.

To further prove my point, I reached out to the world renowned and respected Institute of Racist Assholology who helped me to compile a quick list of obvious Ambienheads which we’ve tragically misdiagnosed throughout the years. (Editor’s note: Included in this list are some self-hating African-Americans Coons)

• Bill O’Reilly – Chief among his many racist pronouncements was the time he went to Sylvia’s Restaurant in Harlem. This man was vocally amazed at the predominately African-American clientele who for some reason surprised him with their civility. He said, "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship." The rotund ignorant racist then added, "there wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all." So, he expected to go to an African-American run restaurant and find what exactly? Watermelon eating, knife welding Negroids dancing on tables and behaving like animals? Come on, that kind of irrational thought and reasoning has got to be drugs. Right?
• Paula Deen – This woman, who made a career out of ripping off Black people’s cooking recipes once had her employees dress up as slaves for a Civil War themed wedding she catered. She admitted in a lawsuit deposition to the occasional use of the word Nigger…but only to those deserving it. At the time she blamed it on her age saying she grew up in a different era, as if at some point in history racism was acceptable and she just forgot where she was. Fortunately, we now know it wasn’t her age. Poor woman, she was simply another victim of sleep deprivation in need of a hit.
• Ben Carson – This one is too easy, and we should have seen it long ago. Ben Carson is an obvious Ambien junkie. This man has kissed so much White ass his lips are permanently chapped. He should serve as a cautionary tale for those who may be considering Ambien as a drug of choice.
• BBQ Becky – This crazy ass White woman called the BBQ Police on an African-American family who were minding their own damn business grilling and chilling at Lake Merritt in Oakland. She felt duty bound to report them because they had the nerve to use charcoal and it offended her racist environmental senses. I’m pretty sure if they had simply offered her fat Birkenstock wearing ass a burger she would have calmed down. Apparently, another side effect of this terrible drug is White tears because when the police showed up she cried like a baby and naturally, claimed she was the victim.
• Sheriff Joe Arpaio – I don’t know how I missed this one.  The signs were all there. Blatant disregard for the law as it pertains to people of color. Specifically, Latino people. This man forced women to give birth in shackles, refused to investigate child sex crimes involving undocumented people and operated a concentration camp disguised as a jail. I guess I was so blinded by his obvious racism, inhumanity and blatant hatred I couldn’t see him for the poor sad junkie he was…I blame myself.
• 53% of White women who voted for Trump – If you know a Becky who voted for Trump, I think it’s time to cut her some slack. It’s not her fault. This drug apparently causes irrational thinking. Seriously, how else do you explain the fact that the same percentage of White women voted for Roy Moore an accused serial pedophile so heinous he was banned from an entire mall. See, all this time I simply assumed it was an attempt by White women to maintain dominance and privilege but now I see. It must be that demon pink pill.
• Stacy Dash – Although technically not a racist, she’s a racist enabler and an asshole so it didn’t seem fair to leave her off the list (and I really hate the bitch, so there’s that). If Ben Carson is the cautionary tale then Stacy Dash should be the poster child for the dangers of Ambien abuse.
• Donald Trump – Um, yeah, I’m gonna just leave this one out here.

As I said, this is a quick short list and though I could go on, why torture these poor victims. The truth is, we owe them all an apology. They can’t help themselves folks. It’s that damn insomnia. Pray that they get the treatment they need.