Cry Baby

It’s been over a week and I can’t stop crying. I didn’t know any of the people killed last weekend in Orlando but I knew all of them. Twenty years ago that could have been me or any one of my friends. But it wasn’t, it was someone else’s children. Someone else’s brother, sister, aunt or uncle. It’s painful to imagine someone so filled with hate they would viciously gun down those simply out for a good time. Drinking, dancing and enjoying themselves with no idea they would soon be brutally murdered.  I’ve read a lot this week of how gay clubs were and are places of refuge for the gay community. Places where you feel safe, guarded and immune from the judgement and bigotry of the outside world. Places where you are free to be yourself, free to love yourself, free to embrace yourself and all that you are. No longer, and I can’t stop crying.

I can’t stop crying and I’m angry. Angry because a homophobic, ruthless wife-beater who had threatened violence before and been investigated by the FBI was able to legally buy war weapons. Angry because this man specifically targeted gay people of color. Angry because people want to post rainbow flags and praying hands on their Facebook page after these innocents were murdered as if that shows their support for the LGBT community. Angry because these same anti-gay bigots will get mileage out of this tragedy by pretending support they never gave before. Angry…because I feel helpless. And I can’t stop crying.

I can’t stop crying and my heart aches. It aches for the families of the victims, some of whom may not have realized their loved ones sexuality until this tragic event. It aches for those who have survivor’s guilt and will always wonder why them and not me? My heart aches because we still live in a world where hate and condemnation is taught and encouraged because of obedient and blind faith to biased opinions and anti-gay rhetoric. Like this pastor from Sacramento, http://www.kcra.com/news/local-news/news-sacramento/sacramento-pastor-upset-more-didnt-die-in-orlando/40049716 . This self-proclaimed Christian had this to say in a sermon the morning after the shootings. "People say, well, aren't you sad that 50 sodomites died? Here's the problem with that, it's like the equivalent of asking me, well, aren't you sad that 50 pedophiles were killed today?' No, I think that's great. I think that helps society. I think that Orlando, Florida is a little safer tonight. The tragedy is that more of them didn’t die." My heart aches for those who sit in this man’s church pews week after week and are influenced and buy into his hate speech. It aches for those who didn’t immediately get up and walk out of the church but instead remained seated. It aches for those who look to this man as an example of how they should lead their daily lives. And still I can’t stop crying.

I cry at my own vulnerability and I find myself in an incessant state of anxiety constantly looking over my shoulder. Wondering if some nut job knows I’m gay and wants to kill me or my partner because they received the word from their pastor. Rejoicing and confident in the fact that if they slaughter and murder those worthy of death it will somehow please the God they believe in and grant them instant access to heaven. I can’t stop crying and I’m angry. Angry because people refuse to believe the violence, discrimination, and hatred of homophobia still exist. Angry because this man possibly full of self-loathing because he was gay, felt he could rid himself of his internalized homophobia by acting out against others. Angry because there are those who instill this hateful ignorance in innocents from birth and feel it’s their God given right to hate me simply because of who I am. I’m angry and I’m sad….and I can’t stop crying.