Down The Up Staircase

So I fell up the staircase on the way in to work today. I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen up a flight of stairs before but it’s not an easily managed task and a lot more complicated than simply falling down. My morning had started out quite promising. I had one of those rare occasions where I finished my workout with time to spare and I knew I would be arriving to work a little early so I could use the extra time to grab a cup of coffee from Starbucks. I showered quickly and donned my favorite bright blue & gray pinstriped shirt, navy blue slacks and slipped into my freshly shined black lace up Kenneth Coles…your boy was looking sharp. To say I was in a good mood would belittle how I was actually feeling. I even engaged the barista (I’ve been dying to use that word) at Starbucks in conversation inquiring about the music playing which turned out to be something I already have in my collection, yep feeling good.

My morning drive is early enough so that I don’t normally run into traffic on the road and today was no exception. Thank God it didn’t rain as predicted because when it rains here in Southern California drivers lose their minds like it’s the coming of the apocalypse. So as anticipated I arrived at work with time to spare. I even sat for an extra minute to finish listening to Steve Harvey and his ridiculous rant with a caller arguing whether it was Carfax or Carfox as he insisted…its Carfax dumb ass. As I headed towards the office I had my coffee in one hand and the phone I had just placed on vibrate along with my keycard for access to the building in the other…my hands were full. Still feeling good I actually had a spring in my step, hell I may have even been whistling. I looked ahead and I could see a co-worker was holding the door open for me. Now you know how you take that little skip trot so that you can advance the stairs two at a time. Well I miscalculated the landing on the first step and down I went but I didn’t fall quickly, at least not in my mind. I swear I fell for what seemed like ten minutes.

As I began falling I could see the reaction on my co-worker’s face as he was still holding the door. You know that look, he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or feign concern…how about a little help buddy. I didn’t know if I should lunge for the door he was still holding or flip him off. Now when you start to plummet your natural instinct is to attempt to break your fall but of course as I said before my hands were full so when I reached out gravity took over and away went my coffee….all over the staircase. (Mental note to self, don’t f**K with gravity) I tried to regain my balance as I was already into the second step but I slipped in the coffee and continued my descent, this time flipping around backwards. As I plunged to what I assumed to be certain death as I was sure I’d break my neck or something else vital I began to think of things that had absolutely nothing to do with my falling. Did I remember to let Pepper back in after she went out to pee this morning? Was my boss’s car parked out front? Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? Finally after what seemed an eternity I hit bottom. Luckily I landed butt first but the remainder of my coffee spilled all over my shirt which instantly changed to blue & brown pinstriped.

As I regained my composure and attempted to collect what little dignity I still possessed I sheepishly took a look around to see who may have witnessed my extended over the top pre-workday tumble and found myself surrounded by co-workers…most of them snickering. When I stood up I received applause. What could I do, I took a bow and limped up the stairs to my office. Yep, feeling good.