Optimistic

Well they got me. Last Wednesday my boss walked into my office looking like he had just been forced to sit through a 12 hour looped marathon of Herman Cain performing gospel favorites. Seriously, the man does gospel! Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZe75JSXhyU . What a clown, he’s got a whole album worth. Anyway he starts by saying, “Warren we need to talk.” Now I don’t know about you but I’ve never had someone start off a conversation with “we need to talk” and give me good news. It’s not like he was gonna say “we need to talk, you just won 12 million dollars”…hasn’t happened to me yet. So according to him we needed to talk but really I was just listening. He told me that he had fought for me but in order to cut costs the company felt they needed to eliminate my position…as of Friday…two days away. I still didn’t feel the need to talk. Well that’s not exactly true, I could have talked but it would not have been pretty and anyway there’s that whole bridge burning thing to contend with. Unemployed? Yes, but with excellent references. You know I really should have seen it coming. Company sales are drastically down from last year and they’ve already had a round of lay-offs and there was that whole thing last year with them and their mandatory work furloughs.

So now I find myself a living statistic, I’ve joined the ranks of the unemployed. Yes sir a living breathing member of the California 12% club or 16% if you’re African-American. You know one of those people that conservative politicians like Herman Cain claim, “if they are out of works it’s their own fault.” Despite fighting charges of sexual harassment this buffoon still has time to make idiotic statements. But yeah that’s me, unemployed because I want to be. Living the life of Riley, on the government dime, sitting on my ass…no worries. Because they’ll be paying my mortgage and car note, my credit card bills, student loans and health insurance…right? Yeah I’m satisfied Herman, being out of work and just waiting for all those millions to roll in from unemployment. Unemployed due to my own fault! Wow. Funny, I thought it was the fault of a sagging U.S. economy and Republican politicians refusing to pass President Obama’s jobs bill. I thought it was the eight years Bush spent tearing down our financial system and spending trillions of dollars on manufactured wars instead of focusing on jobs…but maybe that’s just me.

But rather than worry about how I’m going to find money to pay taxes next year on the unemployment benefits I receive this year, I plan to focus on the positive. Thankful that the company had to pay me for the accrued vacation and personal time I had managed to hold on to, which serves as severance because they certainly weren’t offering any. Thankful that someone anonymously pointed out to them that you cannot make exempt employees use their accrued time to pay for company enforced job furloughs simply because you decide you have no work for them…ok it was me. You’d be surprised what you can get from a simple Google search. Thankful that I didn’t fall for their request to convert that accrued time to their worthless company stock. Seriously, .70 cents a share? So I refuse to be down, one door closes and another opens. I’ll just keep on trucking, head to the sky, ain’t no stopping us now (feel free to insert your own applicable R&B titles here) I know a change is gonna come, I’ve got a new attitude, boogie nights (okay that last one was just cause I feel like dancing) ultimately, down but not out…optimistic. Who knows what the future holds…right?

Never Trust A Big Butt And A Smile

I hate Kim Kardashian. I’ve never met the woman and I hate her. I hate her because I know so much about her life even though I don’t want to. I hate her because I can correctly spell her name without first checking. I hate her sisters, her mother and I even hate Bruce Jenner who married her mom and has a face lift that looks straight out of Frankenstein (really, it’s frightening)…I hate them all. This woman who made herself a household name based on a big ass and a "leaked" sex tape was paid over 18 million dollars for a televised wedding extravaganza that I frankly never cared about and thankfully didn’t see. 18 million dollars and it only lasted 72 days. That’s $250,000 a day folks…I hate her.

I hate the fact that this reality show whore star was able to fool so many into believing this was a real marriage to begin with. The divorce news came via Ryan Seacrest who just happens to be executive producer of her reality show and now rumor says that it was an arrangement to boost ratings for the show and that her now former husband, old what’s his name, wasn’t even her first choice to play the role. Apparently he was caught off guard as when he heard the news he stated, "I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce... I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work." Huh? Kris didn’t you read your contract? 72 days buddy, 72 days. But don’t feel bad for him as per his prenuptial agreement I’m sure he stands to earn a substantial payday and with him being an unemployed free-agent for the seemingly missing in action NBA, I’m sure it helps.

Today Mama Kardashian, Kris (did I mention I hate her?) went on the offensive denying rumors of a nefariously plotted, ratings boosting publicity stunt. Stating, “It’s just a horrible, horrible situation. I feel bad for the kids.” Yeah right those poor kids cause you know they're like all sad and stuff and by the way she has new book out today, available on amazon.com. Meanwhile, Big Booty’s sister also went on the attack. Khole, you know the one who married Los Angeles Lakers Lamar Odom after knowing him for like an afternoon, well she said, “Hate is disgusting, love is everything.” WTF!! What the hell does that even mean? Intelligence obviously does not run deep in this family. I mean they were spawned from a mother who thought it would be really kool and krazy to give all the girls first names beginning with the letter K.

Anyway, so much for the sanctity of marriage and sacred unions. So much for those who actually value the union and are denied the right versus those who take it for granted. These two should be refused a divorce and forced to reconcile and continue. Wait, that could be part two for the reality show, “Kim and Kris, Working It Out”. At any rate I guess this is what gargantuan breasts and a sex tape can get you. Reality show stardom, unlimited wealth and resources, endorsement deals and a Royal friggin’ wedding. Speaking of which, what about all those gifts? It’s only been 72 days, I know I’d want my toaster back so I could return it.