Goodbyes

I’ve always thought there’s nothing worse than saying that last goodbye and I’ve always regretted it and in fact I’ve often gone out of my way to avoid it. You know the goodbye where you know you’re never going to see that person again or the one where you may think it’s best to end things so you say goodbye. There’s just something about the finality of the moment that has always made me uncomfortable and it’s not something I thought I’d ever miss. Well, my best friend died unexpectedly three years ago next month and I never got a chance to say goodbye and it still hurts. I was never able to tell him how much I valued his friendship and the confidence we shared with each other. I would have thanked him for all those times when I needed someone to talk to and he was there. I would have let him know I appreciated the silent moments we shared and the way each of us instinctively knew when the other was in need. I never got the chance to ask him why he felt so hurt and unloved at the end and why he felt he couldn’t talk to me about whatever was troubling him. I would have done my best to reassure him everything would be all right and done anything I could to restore his confidence. I would have reminded him that our friendship had lasted almost 30 years and there was nothing he couldn’t tell me. I would have let him know that the two of us never judged each other and always counted on the other for an honest opinion. Had I known he was leaving I would have done my best to prepare and to be there to hold his hand at the end so that he wouldn’t be alone. I would have let him know how much I would miss him and that not a day passes without a memory of him. Memories of the times we laughed and the times we cried. Memories of the silly things we did and the fun we had doing them. I would have told him of the void his absence has left in my heart…there’s nothing worse than saying goodbye and yet there’s nothing worse than not saying it.