My apologies
to all for interrupting the festivities as I'm certain everyone is celebrating
the occasion of the birth of her holiness St.
Diana. However, it's come to my attention that not everyone is as informed
as myself on the origin of this blessed saint. So, in an effort to educate all,
I thought I'd take a few questions from what I’m certain is but a small
contingent of non-believers.
Non-believer: What is St. Diana's Day, sounds like something
you just made up.
Me: Absolutely untrue. Allow me to
quote from the book of Gordy…
Non-believer: Dude, there’s no book of Gordy in the Bible.
Me: Of course, there is…New Testament bro. Anyway Gordy 5:11 clearly states And God said, let there be Motown and she did
cometh out. And when he flooded the land, she reacheth out to touch somebody’s
hand and proclaimed, “Ain’t No mountain High Enough!”.
Non-believer: (Crickets)
Non-believer: Ok, so where did this St. Diana come from?
Me: She was born mid-20th
century and hails from the hamlet of Detroit, also the birthplace of her royal
highness Aretha who had yet to ascend
to the throne as the Queen of Soul. In
her late teens her holiness was visited upon by the three wisemen Holland, Dozier, Holland who encouraged
her with the proverb “upon reflections
you will stop in the name of love”. Their visit inspired her and she was
motivated to study the teachings of the prophet Smokey of Robinson which led to her conversion to Motownism and with the Supreme sisters Florence Ballard and Mary
Wilson she endeavored to spread the R&B visions of Barry the Hitmaker.
Non-believer: Um,
ok. So, she’s at best an ok singer. How does such an average person qualify for
sainthood?
Me: Bite your
tongue heathen! (speaks momentarily in tongues) If you’re going to continue in
this blasphemous vein of ridiculousness, I’ll have to cut short the interview.
Frankly, there’s more to being a Diva than simply the voice. Visuals,
performance and an infinite connection to the audience are all essential
elements to true Diva fulfillment. Of course, 12 consecutive #1 hits ain’t
nothing to laugh at either and hardly qualifies as average.
Non-believer: Well, ok but don’t you
usually have to die before being anointed sainthood?
Me: Technically,
you’re correct. However, in the case of her holiness, sainthood was granted with
the Rhythm & Blues edict of 1979 based on the gospel according to the Apostles
Ashford & Simpson, which clearly
states, “she The Boss”. Accordingly, she was affirmed and ordained as the Patron
Saint of Motown by the Detroit Archdiocese of the Church of Rhythm Now.
Non-believer: Ok, so I think I
understand now. So, Diana…
Me: Um, that’s Miss Ross. You don’t
know her like that.
Non-believer: Ok, So Miss Ross was
granted sainthood and we celebrate her birthday on the 26th of
March.
Me: Correct. In fact, if I let you keep
me hanging on, I’ll never get to celebrate. So, I’m going to end right here before
I get turned upside down. I was touched in the morning and I could swear I hear
a symphony playing somewhere. My mistake probably just a love hangover. Anyway,
it’s my turn at my old piano so I better get going before the other partyers decide
to come see about me. Happy St. Diana
Day!
